When THANK YOU just isn't enough

Today, one year ago, was the worst day of my life.

We've adapted, because we've had to. We've survived, because we've had to. 

Some days are hell, some are ok.

Yesterday and today have been tougher than usual.

Yet for some reason I don’t want today to end. 

Today was for Ella - nothing and no one else other than Ella.

I woke up early and couldn’t get back to sleep so I went upstairs and spent a couple of hours on the window seat in Ellie’s room. Me and my note book, her teddy and her blanket….watching the rain. I would have preferred a sunny day, but actually the weather was just right. The rain falling with my tears (and everyone else’s), the thunder shouting out my anger and finally, a glimpse of sunlight…a small ray of hope pushing its way through.

Jem eventually woke up and joined me, she chose one of her sister’s toys to use as a pillow, nudged me over and climbed onto the seat and beneath the blanket with me. I wrote to Ella, Jem read her book – we hid from reality for a bit…no rush to go anywhere. School drop off could be delayed until first break and work would be ok without me for the day.

Now, as that day draws to an end, I am emotionally exhausted. Thoughts of Ella have not left my mind and I’ve cried a thousand tears. I am also overwhelmed and astounded by the incredible support we have received from so many people. I do not know how to say, “Thank you!”. Those two little words just aren’t enough to express the intense gratitude I feel to everyone around us. Flowers, pictures, notes, messages, phone calls from around the world, tears, hugs, milkshakes, paper butterflies, speckled eggs, companionship and peaceful moments in a place of silence, laughs over a dinner shared... I can’t list everyone I want to thank, for fear of leaving someone out and because the list would just be so long!

Perhaps it’s enough to let you know that we’re doing ok. We’re hurting but we’re learning. We go backwards into grief but sometimes we move forwards, if only a step at a time. We’re lost but there are times we know where to go, even if it’s just to a friend for coffee. We cry (lots) but we smile too. We remember Ella all the time and we know she flies beside us.

Here are pics of just a few of the moments of the last 24 hours…there are many other beautiful memories that I didn’t snapshot, but there are times when cameras and phones just need to be packed away.

I can't keep my eyes open, I can't hold onto this day any longer. Tomorrow will be back to the sharp pierce of reality...made a little easier by all of you.

xoxo

PS I love you Ella Bella, and I miss you with all of me.

Let's celebrate for Ella

It's Ella's 11th birthday soon...

She would be excited - over the moon!
But she'll watch from afar,
Our sweet little star,
As we celebrate her day
In the very best way...
With lots of good fun
And a day in the sun.

In honour of Ella we're inviting you to join us on Sunday, 5 February at Golden Harvest park, near Northgate. 

We really just want to remember our little girl in the best way possible, it's been such a tough year but we have been blessed with so much love. Old friendships strenghened, new friends made - and we'd love to see you. It's also a great opportunity to say 'thank you'...to all of you, for everything!

Yes, we're calling it a Run4Ella, but please don't let that scare you away. You don't have to run, or even walk. You can relax in the park and meet up with us at the end for a picnic and a chinwag :-)

The Parkrun organisers are helping us but please note that this is not an official Parkrun, and they cannot be held accountable for any incident on the day. They are volunteering their time to show us the 5km route and join in the fun afterwards. They didn't know Ella, they barely know me, but they've come together as a community of runners in memory of Ellie.

The actual run / walk starts at 09h00 sharp and should be finished by no later than 10h30 - even for the walkers. So if you only want to come for the picnic you can have some extra time in bed and join us around then :-)

T-shirts can be ordered if would like to have one
White crew neck, 180gsm
#Run4Ella logo on the front
R86.00 per shirt
Please order and pay before Wednesday, 25 January
Send order to Michele at sales@isource-emb.co.za with RUN4ELLA in the subject line
Kids sizes as usual - maybe a size up - and adult S, M, L and XL

You'll find some more info here http://untravelledsoles.blogspot.co.za/2017/01/run4ella-why-when-and-where.html.

If you do reply 'yes' to the invite, please let me know how many of you there might be, just so that we can get a basic idea of numbers.

See you then,
With love
Ella's family

Run4Ella: why, when and where

It is said that when you're really sad you stop doing the things you love to do - there are many things that I stopped doing after Ella's accident, and one of them was running. I just didn't have the emotional, mental or physical energy to do more than walk around the garden. However we all know how important exercise is to get those 'feel good vibes' going and so after many months I started walking/running with a friend, but in mid October I decided to start seeing a life coach. I left my first session with a promise in my pocket that I would participate in a Parkrun at 08h00 the next morning http://www.parkrun.co.za/. I kept that promise, and the running bug bit - again! Running helped to get me through the tough times when S and I were going through our divorce and it's going to help me now too. 

Ellie and I did some running together. I well remember her first organised run; it was a 4km fun run called the Damdoppers Pretdraf – I have no idea how I found out about it and I can’t remember where it was but it sounds like somewhere we might have needed our passports to get to! It was 12 October 2013, she was 7 years old and eager to do a run with me. We did some training together and when the big day arrived my Mom, Jem, Ella and I jumped into the car and off we went...

Ella chatted for the entire 4kms! It was so easy to chat with her – she always had so much to say and I loved listening to her. I had to giggle when after a while she decided to take a break and plonked herself down on the pavement! I got her going and we walked hand-in-hand for a bit, until she heard someone coming up behind us, and then Speedy Gonzales took over. I whipped my head around to find her and sped off after her - and that became Ella’s modus operandi for the rest of her running career…she did not like the idea of someone overtaking her! She did so well that day and sped up again so much towards the end that I had to push myself to keep up with her! She finished in 35 minutes.

We ran another hilly 4km in the cold – with F, Jem and Shayla waiting, shivering, at the end for us. That was the day F drove on to the field at King’s school, where the start of the race was, and hit a water pipe, leaving all 3 girls shrieking with embarrassment!

We ran the Northgate 5km on 28 June 2015, so close to home that we ran past our house on the way out. It was cold but we had fun.

Ella's last run was the Clearwater Mall 5km on 22 August 2015. She had a bit of a cold so I wasn’t sure we’d get to do it, but she was so miserable at the idea of missing out that I agreed to get her up early, and off we went. This time Jenna-Lee joined us and two of our besties, Tanya and Emma, met us at the start. 

Ella would end each run with a bright red face - same as I do - and a beaming smile. I was so proud of her before, during and after each race, but the best was seeing her with her medals - so proud of herself.

My favourite run with Ella was at Clansthal on the Natal south coast. We wanted some mommy/daughter time so we put on our running shoes and hit the road. Crossing over the railway tracks I remember us singing along to These boots are made for walking (one of our favourite songs) – an ear piece from the iPod in my right ear and the other in her left ear. We played around, did a great deal of giggling – and finally headed back along the beach. We took some pics along the way and turned them into a short video clip. https://flipagram.com/f/ZZtJoKelqh.

I will, for the rest of my life, wish that Ella was here to run with me. I know she may not have wanted to continue running, but if she did, then I wish we could. 

At the end of 2015 - 6 weeks before the accident - when we moved into our new house, combining families and homes with F and his kids, she was excited that we would be able to run together more often, but we only managed to run once before she found her wings.

Running didn’t come naturally to El, but she wanted to do it, so she did and to her own surprise made it onto the cross country team in Grade 3. However, this meant choosing between cross country and hockey; and the hockey field was where she really wanted to be.

Now that you know the story of my running with Ella you won't be surprised at the idea of me wanting to organise this #Run4Ella.

February is always a busy month as my girls' birthdays fall within 12 days of each other, but now there are other important dates packed into those two short weeks...Ella’s accident was 30 January 2016. Her birthday is 3 February, her memorial was 5 February and Jemma’s birthday is 15 February! 

Despite not wanting to run at all in those early months, the idea for this run grew legs a while ago. I knew I would want to do something around the time of Ella's birthday and I also knew how tough this time, from December through to mid February, would be, and so I decided that some kind of love-project was necessary to help get through all the big scary days in the best way possible, arriving on 15 February for Jemma’s birthday; bright-eyed and with enough energy to make her special day supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!!

So here they are, the details of the love-project #Run4Ella

What: A 5km walk / run and a picnic in the park

When: Sunday 5 February 2017 at 09h00 

Where: Golden Harvest park, near Northgate http://bit.ly/2ikAfbE

Who: Anyone can join - the more the merrier!

Why a Parkrun? Because with so many loved ones spread across the country – and the world, the Parkrun allows access for everyone. It means that anyone who wants to join in can, you might just have to do it on the day before we do.

Why a Sunday when Parkrun is always on a Saturday? We don’t want to disrupt the usual Parkrun and because Saturdays are often busy with sports or kids’ parties, so Sunday actually works out better.

Is there a cost to participate? Nope, no money needed, just bring your own picnic.

You don't like running? What's wrong with you? Just kidding!

You can walk! Or you can wait for us at the finish and join the picnic afterwards. 

What if it rains on the day? I have no cooking clue!

Will I cry? I'm bawling my eyes out just looking at these pics I've posted so yes, bucket loads of tears...but that’s ok.

Looking forward to seeing you there.

xoxo

Today...

Today I decided to go for an early morning run. It's 11 months since Ella's accident and I just wanted to spend some time alone. I've been pushing myself to keep going; through the build up to Christmas and the day itself. Today I just wanted to stop pushing, to sit somewhere beautiful and think of my girl. I put on my running shoes, my music and hit the road. I ran alongside the sea for about 20 minutes until I arrived at an outlook I had found the day before. 

As I sat watching the sea, my heart aching and full of love for my girl, I noticed a family walking down to the rocks. They were leading an elderly woman who had her right arm in a sling. They walked slowly, guiding her over the rocks, around the pools that had been left when the tide had washed out much earlier in the morning. They walked to the edge, where the glistening sea gently lapped the edge of the land. It was slow going. With the early sun shining on the sea I couldn't see their faces, only the dark shape of their bodies against the background of the water, but I could guess why they were there.

I didn't want to intrude on such a precious and private moment but I couldn’t help watching. I held my breath as the family knelt down to prepare themselves. As one of them threw the ashes of the Husband / Father / Grandfather into the sea, I sobbed. It was a beautiful and poignant moment - the ashes of a man, well-loved, catching the wind and then gently, peacefully settling onto the water - and will remain forever in my memory.

You see, Ellie's ashes sit in a pretty container in her room. My mind cannot go there and I'm not yet ready to do anything with them. I don't believe that any of us are!

As the family made their way back over the rocks I thought about how brave that elderly woman was. It was a hard walk for her but she was determined, with the help of her family, to do what she felt she needed to do.

I was sitting a little way from where the family had parked their cars but the daughter-in-law of the man who had passed must have seen I was crying. She walked up to me and sat down beside me. I apologised for her loss, we sat quietly and then I told her about mine. She was sad. She started to ask, "How ......?" and then she stopped. She knew that it didn't matter how it had happened, only that it had. We shared a little of our sorrow - a loved one gone after a "good innings" and a little girl lost just before her 10th birthday. 

I wanted to go to the widow and hug her, but I didn't want to upset her further (and I was all sweaty from my run), so instead I told her daughter-in-law and her son - who had, by now, come up to me as well - that I thought their Mom was so very brave. I hope they told her.

They left, I cried. I asked Ella to show that she was with me today - and she did. In the yellow ribbon I found in the garden. It had fallen off F's bag. I have walked that way through the garden many times in the last few days but not seen it.

In the design I found when we decided to each have a holiday henna tattoo. It's exactly the same as one I had been considering as a real tattoo.

In the fun day we had on the beach, and the memories that we shared.

At the end of the day I made my way back to the same point I had been at this morning; I wanted to take a pic from where I had been sitting of the rocks the family had gathered on. The lighting is completely different but the memory is there...

xoxo

These two braved the chilly wind and came with me this evening.

There is a little girl

There is a little girl

Her name is Ella

She lives within my heart

She’s far; so far away

Yet so close; we’ll never part.

I’ve felt her nudge me over

To make space upon the chair

Her giggle is all around me

She plays with and twirls my hair.

She’s my last thought before I sleep

And the first when I awake

I long to put my arms around her

Cup my hands beneath her chin

To kiss her little lips

And see that naughty grin.

Her friends learn and grow without her

Her sister misses her hugs

She changed my world - it came alive!

But now each day I wonder…

How must my Mommy heart survive?

It’s only for my little one

Who needs me to be brave

We live and love and laugh and play

And make the most of each new day.

I love her little soul so much

And hope to see her grow

Into a warrior; a woman

The world wants to know.

There is a little girl

Her name is Ella

Her angel wings have grown

I love her! Oh, so very much!

It’s hard to even say

I miss her so damn much it hurts

But will see her again one day.

xoxo