UNTRAVELLED SOLES

As I sit here tonight in front of my computer with a glass of wine beside me and the kids tucked away in bed, I realise how much I value this time alone and use it to escape for a little while into my blog and those of whom I follow. Tonight the thoughts that my fingers are turning into words on my screen are giving me a major sense of deja vu. I've had a look through my old posts to figure out what feels so familiar and it's this one from 25 August 2009 that I'm reminded of.

On the surface, not much has changed. S has yet to find a job he enjoys, E still coughs (she's coughing as I write). Our MSA will be gone by the end of the week and I'm still bone-tired. Added to that are the trials 2011 alone has held, with S and I living apart for 4 months and the counseling we are now attending. Not to mention the financial woes, and the fact that as of today our money has run out and I'm counting down the days until pay day when for one day, I will not think of money. I will pretend that the hard-earned money in my bank account is indeed my own, before I start handing it out - and the vicious cycle begins all over again.

"Suck it up!" you might be thinking. "Why are you sharing all this crap with us?" might be running through your head. Although this blog is more networked than it used to be, it's still my little piece of me, which means that I still get to vent whenever I need to... :-)

I often still shout "Screw you!" to the world, but everyone has 'those' days, what's important is how we deal with them. What is different between today and 25 August 2009, is that I have grown enormously, both as a Mother and as a person. It's not all been bad. I love it that I'm alive. I've started running - and it's that which keeps me sane - I've completed two races and have another two lined up for next month. I've cut my hair short, grown it again, had a tattoo. I've been able to put certain friendships behind me and strengthened others. I've made new friends too - incredible people who add so much dimension to my life, and hopefully me to theirs. I've had to put my pride aside and have been overwhelmed by generous offers of love from the people around me. I've become part of an amazing campaign called Barefoot No More. I've realised that not all family members must be loved - some just need to be tolerated, and I've learned more about my own Mom than ever before. I've made some mistakes but even those mistakes were necessary for my growth. I've put myself out there in ways that have made me more aware of who I am, and I've taken the compliments from those around me and placed them in my heart for safe keeping - using them to remind me that I am me.

And so, despite the fact that many parts of my life have remained stagnant, what is most important, is that I have grown and changed and become stronger. I have moments of doubt, of course I do. Times when all I want to do is sit and cry but what I have realised is that the way we approach each day as we open our eyes to the morning light, really does impact the way that day proceeds, the way we interact with the people around us and how they in turn interact with us.

"You made it through yesterday, you are making it through today, and you will make it through tomorrow - so decide to do it with joy".

xx