7 weeks ago, a page turned over and all the space I had been craving - pushing for, longing for - suddenly became mine. S and I could go no further - not together anyway. We needed some time apart - not just a weekend, but real time. To figure things out.
Late this afternoon, in an effort to keep J still - and hopefully her fever down, I put on a dvd and sat down to watch it with the girls. It's a dvd that my Dad put together. It's the story of E's first year. It's his take on our life with her in that first year. Although he lives 488 kms away, I'm close enough to him - and him to my daughters - for him to know enough about E to put the dvd together and add to it his own unique sense of humour. I love that dvd. It's been a while since I've watched it but watching it today didn't reinforce in my mind how separated we are as a family unit right now, as one might think that it would, but rather it shocked me at how much S and I (and the relationship between us) have changed in the last 5 years...
The last 2.5 years, in particular, have been incredibly tough. I see photos of us now and it's as if we're carrying the weight of the world on our collective shoulders.
Speaking for myself, there's not a photo taken recently where my smile is natural, real, from the heart. My face is pale and drawn. The lines around my eyes caused by tension rather than laughter - and I'm reminded of the point that my therapist zoned in on during my first session with her - that there's just been no real joy between us for a long, long time. No joy, and no fun.
And it's that lack of joy that I see as the cause of the many changes in S and I over the last few years. Don't get me wrong - the girls are the most joyful little beings we could ever have asked for - but when it comes down to the nitty gritty of life in general - it's been anything but joyful - and I do speak for the both of us.
Jeepers, this is not the way I want it to be. There must be - has to be - so much more to life and love. Love between two people (and we do still love eachother) should be uplifting, positive, supportive, passionate - and fun. We've certainly lost our way. It doesn't mean that we can't find it again - but right now, we're having to search individually and hopefully we'll soon find the path back to eachother - and to joy - again.
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| These pics were taken by a friend a couple of weeks before E was born. |
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