UNTRAVELLED SOLES

It's been so long...

So long since I've visited you...so long since I've visited me.
So long now that I doubt anyone else even visits you anymore. Less than a handful of people know of you, and so I am sure that they have forgotten you. And so, today I come to you with my head in my hands, my mind full of words, my heart on my sleeve.

This has been a happy place for me, a fun place to be, a place of my own. Not so today. Today it's a sad place for me. Today, this week, I am so sad.

The sickness rears its ugly head again. Go away you evil thing. You've plagued my family for long enough. We've dealt with you too many times. I don't know how she will deal with you again - I don't know if she can deal you with again. She's strong, so very strong, but is she strong enough? I hate you. Leave us alone.

Sad. Worried. Confused. Alone.

In love? I hope so.

Disappointed. Where is he? What is he? Where is his drive, his ambition? Where is his desire to get it all together, to make life better? To be strong, to move, to breathe, to live?

My knight in shining armour. Was he ever? Is it not me? Who plans, who decides, who pushes and pulls. Who loves and smiles and cries.

Before I go to bed each night I kiss my little girls. E's toys surround her, so many more now in her bed than when I switched off her light and closed her door. She loves them so much, they are so real to her, and they love her too. I kneel beside her bed. I hold her hand. I kiss her forehead. She giggles and sighs in her sleep.
J's room smells of baby. I linger beside her cot. I've barely seen her all day. I miss her. Does she know me? Does she know I'm her Mom? I'm certainly not the one who looks after her. I think of her all day. I can't wait to see her at the end of my working day. I prepare her food. I buy her clothes. I dance with her before I put her to bed at night. But do I spend enough time with her? Have I made up for those fearful, stressful early weeks when all she needed from me was my love and my patience? He is with her. He is with them. I want it to be me.

Things will change? Yes, bloody hell!! I know they will! But I don't care about that now. Right now I'm sad, worried, confused and alone. I want to scream out loud.

I want to fall into his arms and have him hold me tight. That was always my safe place. That was always where everything felt right. Can we be right again?

I am so tired. My heart is full - of love for my children - of fear for us. My belly is twisted with worry. My mind pushes it all away. I must work. I must smile.
You say that, really, it's not all that bad. But right now, for me, it is...because I don't understand. Because I feel so lost.

'The look of love is in your eyes. A look your smile can't disguise. The look of love, it's saying so much more than just words could ever say. And what my heart has heard, well it takes my breath away. I can hardly wait to hold you, feel my arms around you. How long I have waited. Waited just to love you. Now that I have found you. You've got the look of love, it's on your face, a look that time can't erase. Be mine tonight, let this be just the start of so many nights like these. Let's take a lover's bow and seal it with a kiss. I can hardly wait to hold you, feel my arms around you. How long I have waited, waited just to love you. Now that I have found you, don't let me go. I love you so'.

It won't be so long until I visit you again. It's been good - catching up. Hopefully our next conversation will be a lot less serious. Thanks for listening.