I have days
that are good – sometimes a few days in a row. On those days I start running again and try to eat healthily. I stop looking for somewhere else to live. On those days I can be better to those around me. I start calling
people again, planning to see them. I send messages to family and friends who
live overseas with plans for Skype or Whatsapp catch-ups, but before we even get
so far as those actual conversations, the black wave hits. Anger and despair
consume me. I stop running and start eating chocolate. I stop communicating and slip back into my own little world…focusing only on being
there for Jem because I don't want to not be there for her, and on work because
it’s the great escape.
Besides the huge amount of love I have for those around me, family and friends alike, all that
remains constant (no matter the size of the wave) is my desire to rebel. To go
out there and break all that is normal and reliable and routine. To rise above the now. To travel and explore and live
– beyond barriers. To push beyond the edges of my comfort zone. To be anyone
and everything other than me, because being me just hurts and the future – for
the most part – scares me. And I miss my old life with my two little girls
so much!
This is not
a self-pity post, I don’t want you to feel sorry for me and, yes I know that many other people have more to handle, but I’m just letting you
know how I feel. I’m tired. But more than that, I’m so scared of losing you. I
can’t lose anyone else, so if I haven’t called or replied to a message or
reached out, please don’t give up on me. Just give me some time…until the
distance between the waves increases…or until I send a postcard from a faraway place with a picture of myself, tanned, barefoot, long unruly hair, bright eyes, Jem's hand in mine and a butterfly on my shoulder :-)
xoxo
xoxo
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