When THANK YOU just isn't enough

Today, one year ago, was the worst day of my life.

We've adapted, because we've had to. We've survived, because we've had to. 

Some days are hell, some are ok.

Yesterday and today have been tougher than usual.

Yet for some reason I don’t want today to end. 

Today was for Ella - nothing and no one else other than Ella.

I woke up early and couldn’t get back to sleep so I went upstairs and spent a couple of hours on the window seat in Ellie’s room. Me and my note book, her teddy and her blanket….watching the rain. I would have preferred a sunny day, but actually the weather was just right. The rain falling with my tears (and everyone else’s), the thunder shouting out my anger and finally, a glimpse of sunlight…a small ray of hope pushing its way through.

Jem eventually woke up and joined me, she chose one of her sister’s toys to use as a pillow, nudged me over and climbed onto the seat and beneath the blanket with me. I wrote to Ella, Jem read her book – we hid from reality for a bit…no rush to go anywhere. School drop off could be delayed until first break and work would be ok without me for the day.

Now, as that day draws to an end, I am emotionally exhausted. Thoughts of Ella have not left my mind and I’ve cried a thousand tears. I am also overwhelmed and astounded by the incredible support we have received from so many people. I do not know how to say, “Thank you!”. Those two little words just aren’t enough to express the intense gratitude I feel to everyone around us. Flowers, pictures, notes, messages, phone calls from around the world, tears, hugs, milkshakes, paper butterflies, speckled eggs, companionship and peaceful moments in a place of silence, laughs over a dinner shared... I can’t list everyone I want to thank, for fear of leaving someone out and because the list would just be so long!

Perhaps it’s enough to let you know that we’re doing ok. We’re hurting but we’re learning. We go backwards into grief but sometimes we move forwards, if only a step at a time. We’re lost but there are times we know where to go, even if it’s just to a friend for coffee. We cry (lots) but we smile too. We remember Ella all the time and we know she flies beside us.

Here are pics of just a few of the moments of the last 24 hours…there are many other beautiful memories that I didn’t snapshot, but there are times when cameras and phones just need to be packed away.

I can't keep my eyes open, I can't hold onto this day any longer. Tomorrow will be back to the sharp pierce of reality...made a little easier by all of you.

xoxo

PS I love you Ella Bella, and I miss you with all of me.