A labour of love

Ella’s bench at school has been placed in a very busy spot – it’s outside the music room and the grade 4 block – beneath a huge leafy tree. And there are always people sitting on it, it really is well used.

We brought it home at the end of last term because the paint needed to be touched up and it was looking a bit shabby.

It was returned to school this morning looking bright white and lovely. The butterflies have been painted yellow and add that little touch of something extra special.

Jem is going to sit on that bench this term, maybe when she goes past it to music, and she’ll have a different sense of pride about it – because she helped to repaint it.

Francis and I were painting in the garage on Sunday afternoon when Jem asked to help, so I gave her a roller and was touched at her effort and her patience.

As we painted Francis and Jem spoke about Ella – good things, happy memories. Different to the first time, when Stevie and I spent ages sanding the bench before the school dedication (http://untravelledsoles.blogspot.co.za/2016/04/school-dedication-for-ella-my-words-to.html), when the pain was so raw and the two of us were barely functioning. I’d sit in the garage at night on my own, listening to music and painting while the tears streamed down my cheeks. It was as if by painting her bench I was somehow staying close to her.

The pain isn’t any less now, it’s just different. So much has changed, yet somehow not changed at all.

It was always our intention that the bench be used, that the kids sit on it and play around it. I remember arriving one afternoon to find a little friend of Ella’s sitting on the bench crying. I put my arms around her and asked her what was wrong. She told me that she had done a drawing in class that wasn’t as good as she had hoped it would be, or as good as the other kids’ drawings and so it made her sad. I pulled her close and asked her if she had tried her best. She said she had and so I told her she could be proud. I told her ‘be bold, be brave, be you’. And now she’s one of the kiddies who gives me big hugs whenever she sees me.

Ella’s grade 2 teacher told me that when she takes her class to music she leaves them with our amazing music teacher, and then takes the opportunity to sit on the bench for a bit, listening to the joyous sounds of the kids singing and giggling, remembering Ella but also just taking some time out.

The kids look out for the messages I post to the bench every Monday, and every single morning, once I’ve dropped Jemma, I head over to spend my time on the bench. There have been three mornings when I've not been able to because other people were already there. 1) A Granny and Grandad, 2) A Mom chatting with her little girl. 3) A Mom taking a pic of her child sitting on the bench. And in those moments I've felt a warm, fuzzy feeling; like Ellie is beside them.

Sometimes when I'm there I cry, other times I chat to a Mom passing by. There's a grade 6 boy who always checks up on me when he runs past, no matter how late he is for class. People have left flowers and messages on that bench. Jem has drawn pictures and placed them there too. It’s a place to meet and greet – and it’s exactly what Ellie would want.

And, I believe, what Jemmie wants too.

xoxo