We have a beautiful garden. Our bedroom overlooks a corner of it - the bird bath and feeder, lots of trees, F's succulent garden, a bright pink rose and a dreamy yellow one...both of which just keep on flowering. It's so peaceful. On this winter morning the sun is streaming in through the bedroom window – and I am alone for the weekend.
And that’s not a bad thing. Me time. Down time.
I’m not really alone. Toffee (the dog) is in his basket at the door to the bedroom. He’s never slept in our room so this is a dream come true for him! Maya (the cat) is on the bed basking in the sunshine; this is her space so she’s a bit irritated that Toffee has been here all night but I've told her to suck it up! Tiny Tot (the hamster) is in the room too. On Thursday night he was so cold that I actually thought we’d lost him and I just can't deal with that now, and don't want Jem to either, so I'm doing all I can to keep him warm!
They don't have much to say; but that’s just fine. I can hear the birds in the garden; and nothing else. No cars, no people. It’s perfectly and beautifully still.
F is away for 4 days; building houses in Shongwe with Bryanston Bible Church.
F is away for 4 days; building houses in Shongwe with Bryanston Bible Church.
Jem is with Stevie; they will be having fun together at the farm. Her Big Ted is next to me with Ella’s Sleepy Bear.
Over the last few months I've searched for some kind of understanding as to where Ella is. Today I know where she is - she’s right here beside me. And she’s the loudest in the room. I can imagine her giggling, chatting and whistling. And today that’s ok. Today the memories of her are filling my heart. The tears still stream down my cheeks, but they’re not gut-wrenching sobs of pain like they were yesterday; they’re just tears.
I feel her and I hear from her. I’m aware that this may not always be the case – and that scares me. But I know my grief will change – up and down throughout the years. That she may move closer to someone else who needs her; or just a little further away from this human existence because, seriously, when you can party in heaven, why would you want to be anywhere else?
I feel her and I hear from her. I’m aware that this may not always be the case – and that scares me. But I know my grief will change – up and down throughout the years. That she may move closer to someone else who needs her; or just a little further away from this human existence because, seriously, when you can party in heaven, why would you want to be anywhere else?
In this search for some kind of meaning I’ve spoken to various people with different beliefs. I've been going to church and I've been to the buddhist temple. What I've realised is that it doesn’t matter what anyone else believes. I know that Ella is with me. She travels alongside me. She loves us – all of us. I’m lonely, lonely, lonely without our girl – but I’m not alone.
And so for this morning, I am going to lie in bed and enjoy the view of my garden. I’m going to read and work knowing all the while that she’s here. And later I’m going to go for a walk and see a friend, and even later when it’s cold and dark and the day is over, I’m going to climb back into this bed knowing that tomorrow may be different. It may be better, it may be worse.
One day at a time…keeping Ella in my heart as my strength while I push through each day, trying to be the best I can be for me, so that I can also be the Mom I want to be for our brave little Jem.
xoxo
And so for this morning, I am going to lie in bed and enjoy the view of my garden. I’m going to read and work knowing all the while that she’s here. And later I’m going to go for a walk and see a friend, and even later when it’s cold and dark and the day is over, I’m going to climb back into this bed knowing that tomorrow may be different. It may be better, it may be worse.
One day at a time…keeping Ella in my heart as my strength while I push through each day, trying to be the best I can be for me, so that I can also be the Mom I want to be for our brave little Jem.
xoxo
No comments:
Post a Comment