It sux!
It's a process. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. And not necessarily in that order, and just because you've been through one stage, doesn't mean you won't go back to it. It takes time and patience. I've come so far, yet the last few days, almost a year down the line, I've been back at depression, or let's rather call it sadness. The difference now is that I understand the emotion - it still hurts, but I can sit down and accept it and deal with it. It no longer immobilises me, I can move on from it.
This post may end up sounding like a bit of a pity party, but really, it isn't meant to. It's just that, sitting alone at home on a Friday night, listening to music, eating an odd combination of food for dinner (chicken and grapes), I realise just how much things have changed. You see, in just a few days it will be an entire year since S moved out. On the other hand, I politely declined a dinner invite this evening to spend some time with Her Royal Highness - me!
So, back to the original question...I've learnt a lot, and looking back over what I've learnt shows a definite movement from one stage to the next, you'll see it as you read it...
I have learnt...
how to keep living while my heart was breaking (ok, so that sounds a bit dramatic, but when the world is crumbling down around you, that's just how you feel);
how to tell someone that I was ok and to sound like I meant it, because I needed to feel that I was ok - and because I just couldn't bear to draw any more attention to my own personal failure;
that some friends could help me with what I was going through, while others couldn't - but that doesn't mean they didn't care;
how effective the divorce diet is!;
how to wear my big girl panties and put myself out there;
how to keep myself as busy as possible with any task - no matter how small - to keep my mind occupied and my body moving;
how to wake up each morning smiling because my children needed me to, and how to console them in the middle of the night when they cried for their Dad - and not collapse into a heap myself.
I eventually learnt how it's ok to sometimes not be ok, how to spend an entire day in bed and plough through a tin of condensed milk, because sometimes (not too often) that's just what you need to do, and slowly the fog starts to lift....
And then I learnt...
that I'm stronger than ever before;
that I'm stubborn, and reluctant to rely on anyone else for anything, because I'd rather just do it myself;
that I love music;
that I actually quite enjoy my own company. When S first moved out, I would dread Friday nights, which is when the girls go to him. Now, if I am home, I relish the time I have to myself;
to sleep in the middle of the bed rather than on 'my side';
Most importantly, I'm learning to let go of my children.
I have to share them, and so rather than be miserable without them, it's better to make the most of my time without them. It's human nature to depend on the people closest to you - depending on your children for your own emotional support is not on. This is my life, it's my mistake/decision/fate to end up where I have. Divorce is hard enough for the kids, they don't need needy parents. They need to know that Dad will be ok and that Mom will be ok - and that so will they! So I've learnt how to tell them, with a smile on my face, that I will miss them while they're away, without making them feel bad or sad. I've learnt to speak of their Dad as the strong and invincible hero, because they love him as much as they love me. I've learnt when to be strong but also when it's ok to cry, because sometimes it's ok for them to see me cry. There have been moments when all 3 of us girls have sat on my bed and cried for our combined hurt, we bonded in that moment. It's better for them to see me miss their Dad, than to see me fight with their Dad. So, as a parent, you do all you can to make the transition a smooth one. Admittedly, I am in a fairly unusual position, as for the most part, S and I still get along pretty well - and that makes it much easier for our girls.
I have also learnt what my mistakes were - now that hurts! Knowing and admitting to where you went wrong, what you did or didn't do that contributed to the dissolution of your marriage, of your dreams, is hard, but it's a lesson. I know that when new relationships begin - for both S and myself - we will know what to look out for. We know what we want, but most importantly, we know what we don't want.
I've learnt so much, and I continue to learn every day.
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