UNTRAVELLED SOLES

Hello dear friend!


It's been a long time and I'm sorry I've neglected you. To be honest, I've been a little lost without you, and being back is like snuggling up with a favourite book on a comfy bed in the sunshine. So then why haven't I been around, you ask? No reason in particular, other than that the pace of life just got the better of me for a while. But I'm back and I have loads to share with you. Unfortunately though there are some things that I cannot share - it's one of the disadvantages, I guess, of having an online 'diary' that anyone has access to, which makes me kind of sad because I really do need somewhere to just lose myself and write down everything that is in my heart and on my mind. I'm sorry this can't be that place. But, never fear, there are lots of other thoughts more suited to your purpose.


This year has been one bad-ass year! Wow, I can't believe that 2011 is almost over. A lot has happened but a lot has stayed the same. Kinda like wading through a huge and sticky mud pool...life goes on - the sun moves across the sky, people come and go - but you just keep on trudging through that mud, unable to move too quickly or to move backwards, unable to climb out - or maybe just unwilling, because although it's a mud pool, it's still comforting, it's familiar - and it's good for your skin!


This year I've learnt so much. I've pushed at the boundaries like never before. I've cried, laughed, despaired and hoped. I've shouted and fought and kissed and made up. I've felt both love and anger - not in equal measure, but to the point that I've thought that either one could consume me. I've pondered God (wow!) and marriage.


There's a plant in my room that's dying - it might actually be dead. I probably need to throw it out, but I don't have the heart. I keep wondering - if I start watering it, will it start to sprout again? I'm hoping that all is not lost, but I do keep forgetting to water it. Ok, so this is going to sound pretty dramatic, but my plant seems to have become symbolic of my own life - it used to stand tall and proud and green, but I used to be less consumed with everything I'm consumed with, and so I would remember to water it, and even to speak to it. The same goes for my relationship with my own soul. I pay very little attention to it these days - I'm too consumed with everything I'm consumed with to pay attention to my own little self - and so although I'm not dead (smiley face), I certainly have been struggling to keep growing.


But now, those boundaries that I'm both consciously and self-consciously pushing at, are opening up. Things are happening all around me that are pushing me to move forward, to learn, to move out of my comfort zone - out of the mud pool. The problem being that, although I'm not overly in awe of this particular mud pool, it is just so comfortable - although if I'm querying it, then I guess it's not as comfortable as it used to be. It's just that it's scary moving out of it, and moving out of it means moving away from my own desire and need to spend more time with my two beautiful daughters, and in moving further away from that desire I find myself in a state of flux - and so I just stay where I am!


Shew, old friend! Who knew we'd get so intense tonight. Please forgive me, there's a lot on my mind. Thanks for listening though, I do, as always, appreciate it.